Preventative and Restorative Measures
I've been mulling over Slate.com's line of the day today, taken from the David Plotz's article Is Jeremiah a Traitor-
"Anyone who's ever been in a bad relationship knows the Doctrine of Pre-emptive Cruelty".
The Doctrine of Pre-emptive Cruelty: You act like a jerk to elicit a reaction from the other party, most notably to bring about a break-up. Frequently done by both men and women, usually subconsciously. See also: passive-aggressive.
I think this line speaks to me so highly because, well, like anyone else, I've been in relationships, and I've practiced the doctrine of pre-emptive cruelty- have for years and got it down to a science. But like I said, I don't really know anyone who doesn't. And it's not even limited to paramours- as a lawyer I encounter it every day at work, both inter-office politics and case strategy. Through the help of a kick in the pants and a lot of time spent leafing through self-help books I've recently come to this conclusion that I do have many tendencies to be the dreaded passive-aggressor, pre-emptively cruel.
For me, I see clearly where it started- it was high school and I just didn't have the courage to break up with my boyfriend at the time, I'll just call him "Erik the Red". Erik the Red had overstayed his welcome in my life, but I still didn't have the heart to, well, break his. So I made him do it, or at least I tried to. There were declarations of love made, and I realize now that puberty makes people do some very strange things... So what did I do? Rather than just sit him down and say listen, it's been a good ride for what it is, but I'm 15 and off to greener pastures, I avoided him, I argued with him, and I made fun of him constantly. And you know what? The break-up took months, and my plan didn't even really work. I still had to break up with him after all my strategic posturing. It was a painfully slow process despite my complete lack of romantic attachment. The relationship lasted about twice as long as it really needed to because I was a wimp.
Do I really need to say how unhealthy and immature this is, or how much extra energy it takes to do? Listen, I know, I know, being pre-emptively cruel is not honest, or assertive, or even time-efficient, and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. I am still slightly ashamed of my behavior here. And unfortunately I didn't really learn my lesson with Erik the Red. I continued to employ the same methods for years, magically expecting different results.
At some level, it seems like being pre-emptively cruel may be a primal instinct, like how squirrels throw predators off by pretending to burrow nuts when they reall have stashed their nuts already. I mean, I don't think that people learn this behavior, instead they must unlearn it. It is a lot easier to deflect issues than to address them. But unlike squirrels, we also have the tools of rational intellect and self- reflection, so we can also benefit from that...
It is hard to do- to recognize when you actually take issue with something, and address it straight off rather than sneak it in through the backdoor. I'm finally able now to step back and recognize what I'm about to do, but truth be told it's still not easy, but still at the end of the day- it is ultimately faster and easier than the alternative. Sorry, Erik the Red, for what I put you through when we were both 15. And sorry to all the other guinea pigs along the way for what I may have put you through. It's not that I actually thought you were as stupid as I said you were, it was just that I didn't like you anymore, and I didn't know how to say it to your face. :)
"Anyone who's ever been in a bad relationship knows the Doctrine of Pre-emptive Cruelty".
The Doctrine of Pre-emptive Cruelty: You act like a jerk to elicit a reaction from the other party, most notably to bring about a break-up. Frequently done by both men and women, usually subconsciously. See also: passive-aggressive.
I think this line speaks to me so highly because, well, like anyone else, I've been in relationships, and I've practiced the doctrine of pre-emptive cruelty- have for years and got it down to a science. But like I said, I don't really know anyone who doesn't. And it's not even limited to paramours- as a lawyer I encounter it every day at work, both inter-office politics and case strategy. Through the help of a kick in the pants and a lot of time spent leafing through self-help books I've recently come to this conclusion that I do have many tendencies to be the dreaded passive-aggressor, pre-emptively cruel.
For me, I see clearly where it started- it was high school and I just didn't have the courage to break up with my boyfriend at the time, I'll just call him "Erik the Red". Erik the Red had overstayed his welcome in my life, but I still didn't have the heart to, well, break his. So I made him do it, or at least I tried to. There were declarations of love made, and I realize now that puberty makes people do some very strange things... So what did I do? Rather than just sit him down and say listen, it's been a good ride for what it is, but I'm 15 and off to greener pastures, I avoided him, I argued with him, and I made fun of him constantly. And you know what? The break-up took months, and my plan didn't even really work. I still had to break up with him after all my strategic posturing. It was a painfully slow process despite my complete lack of romantic attachment. The relationship lasted about twice as long as it really needed to because I was a wimp.
Do I really need to say how unhealthy and immature this is, or how much extra energy it takes to do? Listen, I know, I know, being pre-emptively cruel is not honest, or assertive, or even time-efficient, and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. I am still slightly ashamed of my behavior here. And unfortunately I didn't really learn my lesson with Erik the Red. I continued to employ the same methods for years, magically expecting different results.
At some level, it seems like being pre-emptively cruel may be a primal instinct, like how squirrels throw predators off by pretending to burrow nuts when they reall have stashed their nuts already. I mean, I don't think that people learn this behavior, instead they must unlearn it. It is a lot easier to deflect issues than to address them. But unlike squirrels, we also have the tools of rational intellect and self- reflection, so we can also benefit from that...
It is hard to do- to recognize when you actually take issue with something, and address it straight off rather than sneak it in through the backdoor. I'm finally able now to step back and recognize what I'm about to do, but truth be told it's still not easy, but still at the end of the day- it is ultimately faster and easier than the alternative. Sorry, Erik the Red, for what I put you through when we were both 15. And sorry to all the other guinea pigs along the way for what I may have put you through. It's not that I actually thought you were as stupid as I said you were, it was just that I didn't like you anymore, and I didn't know how to say it to your face. :)
Labels: Foibles
posted by aerin at 5:45 PM
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